Window.

Today I opened my room’s window. Well, one of the two. It’s not completely open, I’m not a complete idiot. I just figured I should air my stuffy little room a bit. In the end the window I opened at noon is still open. It’s 8 pm. I like listening to cars passing by and random pedestrians going about their lives.

For a while I thought about going out today, but I had already promised myself that I’d let myself be. I did go to the movies yesterday. I watched Parasite. I liked it. I must say I understand why the characters did what they did. I don’t think anyone was in the wrong, it’s just mistakes that everyone did that made everything fall apart.

I had planned to study today, but I kind of drifted off. Time flew by. “Just one more”. “I’ll eat something first”. “Where’s my notebook?”. Excuses. I’m tired. I should probably eat something and head to bed before I drift off again. Next time I check the time the clock might show 1am. That’s been happening a lot lately.

I should probably get a grip before I doze off and realize it’s been a few years. Sometimes it just feels like I’m trying to hold water in my hands. No matter how hard I try the water falls between my fingers before long. If nothing else, the warmth of my skin makes it vaporize and disappear into the air.

Sometimes it’s just hard to feel not feel intimidated. It wasn’t that long since I was a child, and now I’m expected to stand on my own while the ground is quaking. Or maybe it’s just me who’s having tremors.

The clock’s 21.29 now. I’m scared. I just want to sleep and forget. I want someone to take care of me and love me. Maybe the world wouldn’t be so scary place if I could watch it from the safety of my loved one’s arms. But it’s also scary to give yourself wholly to someone. They have the power to hurt, and I’m fragile.

I feel pain over the smallest things. You should’ve seen me when I first learned that my sister’s boyfriend has a bong. You should’ve seen me when I went to my sister’s housewarming party and pretty much everything had alcohol in it. I walked out when they brought out the bong. I was so scared, anxious and angry then. I was shocked. I had been told that they didn’t actually use it.

For me drugs are something scary that mess up your mind. I’m already enough of a mess even without them. It’s okay if people use them within reason, but seeing my own one and only sibling talking about drugs in a small dimly lit apartment with beer cans here and there was too much for me. At that point I started collecting my things. When I was about to head out everyone except for one person had gone to bedroom with the bong.

The person remaining in the living room was one of my former classmates from middle school. She’s okay. She was drunk, but still okay. She asked me where everyone had went (She had been in the kitchen eating snacks or something). I told her they were in the bedroom with the bong, and her eyes lit up. She joined them. She was excited. I was even more shocked.

At that time I was so upset that me, who has generally troubles showing their feelings in front of other people, was on the brink of having a mental breakdown right there in the stairway. I hastily walked out with my helmet, barely stopping to tie my shoes properly.

When I got out two of my sister’s guests were smoking in the yard. One of them was another one of my former classmates, and the other one was probably her boyfriend or something. The girl asked if I was alright. I evaded the question by telling them that the bong was out of the closet. The two of them didn’t feel like going. It made me feel a bit better. I hopped on my moped and left. I used the longer route back home. I cried. It was the first time I actually screamed out my bad feelings. I was that upset.

When I got home mother asked how was the party. I said it got too rowdy for my taste. Mother said that how it usually goes when you’re the only one not drinking. She could’ve driven me there and back. I told her I was tired.

I guess there’s a part in me that has remained a child even though I’m already legally an adult. I’m scared of many things that are part of everyday life. Like walking into a store I’ve never visited before. Talking to people when there’s no clear and simple reason to or if they don’t talk to me first. Being responsible for myself. Trusting people.

It’s just easier to watch life from behind a glass screen. It’s like a storm outside my room. Sometimes it’s just better to crack the window open just enough to hear, see and smell the life from a safe distance, instead of stressing myself everyday. It can’t be that bad to oneself a rest every now and then.