Cat.

Grandmother is not coming home. Her home. Well, she’ll find herself a new home. From a nursing home that is. After falling in the middle of the night a few weeks ago she couldn’t get up. She had not been eating well so she passed out. She simply doesn’t remember to eat regularly.

Returning to blank state, in a way similar to an infant. Where an infant learns, Grandmother forgets skills. She has forgotten the place where she lived for over fifty years in merely three weeks. Her life is being undone.

I feel bad from finding joy from this all, I really do. It’s not like I don’t like her or want to see her go, it’s just that I haven’t really known her for a long time. It’s easy to feel detached from pain that doesn’t quite reach you.

I’m living in her apartment watering her flowers and cleaning her floors for now. For free. And I get to keep my cat with me.

I feel bad for not feeling bad for my grandmother, but at least she’s not missing her old home. Maybe it’ll be enough of a punishment for this bad grandchild to spend weeks trying to learn to live in a space that’s supposed to belong to my grandmother.

Sometimes my ability to adapt to new situations is less than desirable. Let’s not talk about the anxiety I felt when mother helped me prepare the bed in grandmother’s room. Usually I would only steal a glance at the room through half open door while walking pass it at most. Now I sleep in the room I previously had hardly stepped into even though I don’t recall anyone specifically saying I shouldn’t.

It’s been difficult accepting this new role in the apartment. Just shopping for groceries and bringing them here. Using the kitchen the way kitchens are meant to be used. Cleaning. Using the television. None of these tasks are challenge for me, it’s just that I’m performing them at my grandmother’s place. Well, it’s mine now. Technically. And the last task is actually a challenge because usually I’d let others choose the channel but the cat doesn’t seem to have any interest in doing that so I need to learn to be more confident and decisive. I can’t live of off other people forever.

Thank you sister for showing me the ropes and giving me a shadow where to stand and learn how to live, but now you have a boyfriend and a child, a family, and I cannot follow in your steps anymore, my guide. It’s about time I let you go, and took off the mask I’ve become one with.

I’ll successfully make the call I stressed over all week and failed making next Monday. I will do it.