Light.

I wish you hadn’t said that Mother. I know it’s my fault for taking your words too seriously, but shouldn’t you know by now how easily glass breaks when it falls to the floor? I’m fractured.

Mother, you might not know how badly I fell, and how many times it happened. You might not want to see it and thus avert your gaze, but it doesn’t change anything that has already happened. I understand why you’d rather hold onto the happiness you’ve grown so used to. From what I know that very happiness is what held you together when you were struggling on your own with a fight only you could resolve. I can’t blame you for prioritizing yourself when you are the glue that holds the family together.

As your youngest I just wish you had taken me more seriously when I tried to tell you how I felt. I know I was loud and had a temperament but that was just me crying for help. Mother, meanwhile I don’t blame you for what happened after we moved because at that time you were struggling too, but for all what happened before that, I cannot say that I’ve completely forgiven you for your ignorance.

It’s all ifs and buts, but had you interfered, maybe I hadn’t felt like a background character in a play in my own life. I lived like a lifeless doll most of my childhood. I literally taught myself how to smile on second grade. For the record, I really nailed my personal smiling 101 class. Today it’s a reflex to smile and laugh at funny conversations even though the fact that it’s largely a self taught reflex still haunts me with the way the smile fades away once I walk out the situation.

At one point I occasionally referred to myself as my sister’s younger sibling, because that’s how I genuinely felt. I had little to no friends to call my own, and with just a year of age difference I was always following in my sister’s shadow. I was my sister’s companion rather than my own individual. Mother, didn’t you ever notice it? Father would punish me over things my sister would hardly even get scolded. Whenever I told you how I felt you’d just tell Father to take it easy, and he would, at least for a while. Even Grandmother suffering from Alzheimer’s disease was able to see the difference in treatment.

After starting school all I did was homework as it was assigned to me. I had this idea that I was supposed to do it always perfectly and to to the best of my ability. If I couldn’t understand something, I’d stress over it until I somehow figured it out. I didn’t know what else to do. I had little to no life outside school. Unsurprisingly I burned myself out eventually. I don’t know if you noticed it Mother, it was, after all around the time you were struggling too.

If you had listened maybe, just maybe I hadn’t lost my trust in Father. And maybe I would have learnt to live rather than limping in my sister’s footsteps like a lifeless puppet. But with reality being what it is, I still haven’t learnt how to make decisions and initiate social interactions and I still have trouble regulating my emotions in stressful situations, be it walking on a busy street or spending 2 weeks in a house with a 2-year-old. I’m still passive and mostly reacting to others like the puppet that I am, a tool, a toy in other people’s play.

Sometimes I just wish I could close myself outside of the world and curl up on someone’s lap like a sleepy little kitten, warm and safe. Someone would take care of me and I would be far away from anything unpleasant. I don’t want to get anymore bad ideas from careless words. I’m already exhausted and lightheaded.

It took me over 8 years to get rid of the first bad idea which was born from encouragement towards diligent work. It still affects me but today I’m able to avoid stressing about school all night long. The second bad idea is saving money which started from my wish for independence. While other children bought snacks after school I took the first bus home or went to the library. In the end I got my driver’s license but I never learnt how to spend money and I still have hard time spending it even for food.

Food. That gets me to my newest bad idea. Mother told me to take care of myself. I wish she hadn’t. I have less regular exercising after finishing school last December since I don’t need to cycle to school everyday. Mother was worried about that so she told me to be careful to avoid gaining too much weight. I’m sure everyone can imagine how that has turned out for me, whose food consumption was already limited by a very tight budget.

I felt lightheaded when I woke up.