Scream.

Have you ever felt the urge to run out of the door screaming? I have. Just today actually. It was around midday. Only thing stopping me was my sense of public decency. Such a strong force that is…

I’ve been wanting to learn signing but I don’t know where to start. In many situations I just don’t want to speak. It’s not like I can’t speak, it’s just that if it’s not necessary, I’d rather avoid it. I suppose, in a way, I’m more or less part-time soft-core selective wannabe mute by my own free will, somewhat failed one at that?

If someone directly talks to me in way that shows they are expecting a verbal answer or even a full fledged conversation I’ll talk with them without hesitation with full sentences and act sociable if not even chatty. Of course, eye contact, active listening and reactions come with the package. In my daily life it’s quite rare for me to find myself in a situation where I can’t just walk away with a nod, a smile or with waving my hand. It’s mostly Mother who calls me and not really anyone else. And that’s usually once every 2-4 days.

I like my silence. It’s calming. I also like going out into the world where it’s loud. It’s stressing, but I like challenging myself. Going outside your comfort zone makes staying inside it more precious. Just like what makes time meaningful is that it’s limited.

I didn’t scream. Instead I stayed put where I was twitching anxiously until it passed. It’s difficult to say how much time passed. There’s no clear line except for the one I draw, but making decisions isn’t my forte. Where does anxiety stop? If it’s black and white there’s always something weighing me down which would make it endless, but if there’s room for different shades of gray, there are moments of joy between peaks of anxiety. Or moments of anxiety between peaks of joy.

The former sounds more like the truth, but the latter sounds more positive. Maybe the latter is to be used when worrying others isn’t desired, while the first one is what I’ll keep in my heart for those who truly ask about it.